“The little soldiers of the Bad Army are the Guidos, a warriors from the Hazelnut World. They are but little threat to such powerful fight as you, but watch out !! They like to gang fight.” –from the “Index of Foe”, a bestiary of the Villain Kaiser’s army.
These little guys are not tough, and seem to be a parody (or rather rip-off) of the Goombahs of the Super Mario series. The big difference is that while Goombahs are squishy, these guys are actually hard and hollow; you can’t kill them by stomping on them, but once you do kill them, they crack open and, sometimes, pass out a power-up. Usually it’s just these basic types, plus a few re-colors for more specialized environments. The Hazelnut World may actually be a secret level in the game someplace, although considering how sketchy the exposition and dialogue can be, it’s hard to tell. (Considering how they fall out of trees in Woodsy World, it might just be an old name that never got changed.) But enough about these nuggets of cannon fodder, here’s a cooler one:
“Evil heads are much danger, even in the cities !!”
This homeboy shows up outside the logging camp in Woodsy World, just before the entrance to the Mobile Chainsaw Fortress. He’s not a mini-boss, even; a few hits and he’s gone. Still cool, though.
“Court Alchemist Popinski has brewed up many flavors of delicious potions for extra Battle Prowess !! Super Fighting Sodapop Zaibatsu presents the Pwnzorfaust beverage adventure product assortment. Quaff for power get !!” –from the training level
That really says it all, doesn’t it? The Super Fighting Sodapop Zaibatsu crops up a few times throughout the game, with animated commercials explaining new power-ups you’ve unlocked. Besides these, there are also the usual hovering hearts for health and coins for “$Money” to be spent at the little shops (I’ll explain about those in a later post).
It took quite a few play-throughs to unlock all of these; sometimes it takes defeating a special hidden boss, or sometimes it’s some random achievement. Honestly there were a few times that I don’t know what I did–for one, I was in the middle of a boss-fight against the Snake-Vomiting Gorilla in Empty World when the Poppyseed one dropped; it had never done that before, and when I went back and tried to get it on another save file, it didn’t happen. As a result, I have no idea if there’s any benefit to quaffing it; I know sleeping has been used as an anti-power-up (or “power-down”) in a few games, but others have some genuine use for it. Anyway, so far as I can tell, this is the complete list.
Wintergreen: freeze ray.
Honey: stick to walls and ceilings to walk and run.
Coffee: increase speed.
Decaf: decrease speed.
Mushroom: temporarily grow to giant size. See “Super Mario Bros.”.
Cardboard: temporary invisibility. See “Metal Gear”.
Lemon Drop: drop lemon-bombs while jumping. See “Metroid”.
Starfruit: temporary invincibility. See “Super Mario Bros.”.
Naval Orange: homing torpedoes.
Spearmint: throwing spears that can be jumped on.
Musk Melon: become stinky; enemies will avoid.
Jalapeno: flame thrower. See “Super Mario Bros.”.
Blue Rasp Berry: sharp blue spines. See “Sonic the Hedgehog”.
Rationfruit ( % ): health gain. See “Rogue” for name and symbol, “Mega Man”‘s E-Canisters for usage.
String Bean: whip; weapon, item-retrieval, and swing from ledges. See “Castlevania”.
Ghost Pepper: become a ghost (intangibility).
Blood Orange: become a vampire (sap energy from enemies).
Fugu: become a zombie (bite enemies to turn them to your side).
Wild Berry: become a tiger-person (claws, stripes).
Beet: a beat of maximum funk plays; all enemies dance along with you, then explode. See “Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker”.
Jumping Bean: extra jumping powers. See “Low G Man”.
Crab Apple: pinching claws.
Fruit Punch: extending boxing gloves.
Thyme: temporarily freeze time.
“Greetings, valiant warriors. hail and well-met !! I am King !!
Of late my fair star-kingdom, Galaxy of Metrovania, has been overrun by the dark forces !! Villain Kaiser, nefarious overlord of Magma Chainsaw Sector of The Darkness World, come back from The Nether Horizon on a mission of conquest !! Leading the armies of evil WIERDO across Galaxy !!
Are you a skills enough hero to fight to the WIERDOS ?? Your responsibility is defend Galaxy from Villain Kaiser !! With shining hope. Have you understand what I says ?? Prepare for the action play — move it out dauntlessly. Fight !! Go to !! next Sector !!”
So yeah. Hi. Welcome to the world of “Super Pwnzorfaust”.
I’ve got a thing on the “About” page if you’re curious about what exactly Pwnzorfaust is, but I can summarize it by simply saying: I don’t know. This is one weird game, and I don’t know where or when it came from. It’s the story of an unnamed hero that seems to be some sort of every-man teenage fighter, as is common in video games, except that sometimes he inexplicably turns into a mechanical knight or a Formula-1 driver, plus the power-ups that turn him into a vampire, ghost, or zombie. King of Galaxy up there is very helpful, so long as you’re after anything besides explanations. But heck, the whole thing is such a throw-back to older platformers, it’s not a huge deal; there was never really much reason why a blue hedgehog should fight an evil roboticist version of Teddy Roosevelt, or why plumbers were the best people in the Mushroom Kingdom to become superheroes. And then there’s the much, much weirder ones like “Decap Attack” and “Bubble Bobble”…sometimes it’s best to just not ask questions.
Anyway, lots more to come. Check back soon!